I can't believe that I haven't posted since May. For me, a lot has happened so I guess my focus has been elsewhere. I am finally back at work. I went back in May once I had got the scan out of the way. I didn't know how I was going to get back. I was spending many days in tears and a lot of effort was needed on my part to get me back to a better place. I became a little obsessed with a healthy diet and yoga initially, but I think the counselling I've been having has probably helped the most. Reflection. Questioning exactly what it is I'm scared of. I was trying to carry everyone when actually what I needed to focus on was me. I wasn't voicing what I needed. But I did know that inside, I felt like I had an elastic band that was twisted so much that at any moment it would snap.
This helped me to cope with the mixed emotions I felt when people, on my return to work, would say 'Oh, you are looking well'. It's amazing what a face can hide.
What I did know, was that I'm not the same as I was. Experiences like this change you, and it's taken, is taking, time to learn who I am now.